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Friday, July 24, 2009

Spam Off

Dear Spam Customer Service Relations Executive,

I am writing you a fan letter because I have such strong feelings about you. I have decided to lump all of your scum, I mean spam together and just write one huge fan letter.

It is truly amazing how generous you all are. I mean in the past few weeks I have been offered enormous amounts of money. You all must have read my blog and saw that times were tight and then we had the whole delinquent renter issue. The $15,000,000, $800,000,000 and the 250,000 pounds will REALLY help out. We can so breathe a sigh of relief. I have never known that there were such kind Nigerian kings, British businessmen, or even an exiled billionaire who died tragically in an accident. I am so sorry to hear that said exiled man died and then your poor wife is stuck in Africa and is very ill. I really appreciate your "passing it on" attitude...I will be sure to let the minis know that you helped them go to college.

That saying "you can't get anything for free" just really isn't true anymore! I will be sure to let all of my friends know and perhaps they can get in on this fantastic and ever so generous offer. Recession...NO MORE!

While I appreciate your "go get 'em" attitude, I must first let you know that while I love, love, love getting your "please your woman in bed" or "double your penis in 5 days" perhaps you ought to spend more time researching your client. I could use more of the "sure fire way to repel your husband everynight" or "make your husband Brad Pitt in just 3 days."

The other thing that I love about your scum, I mean spam again is that I can post an ad on Craig's List for my rental home or about something the minis did and it's like you are reading my mind. You then send me 23 of these fantastic emails about "getting me out of debt and making me $100,000 a month" or the above mentioned help in bed. I know that I am not the smartest person in the world, so I REALLY appreciate you sending me so many so that I can "get it." That is just good customer service...making sure the customer understands what they are getting. It is truly like you are reading my posts and ads and you just get are right inside my head and know exactly what I am thinking and need.

Dear Spammers, I just love you. You have so totally revolutionized email and the Internet. What ever did we do without you in our lives. Thank you, thank you dear scum!



  1. I should not read your blog at work, I'm laughing hysterically and trust me...ain't nothing funny going on over here. Surely my boss knows I'm messing around!

    Hysterical! I just love your wit and sense of humor. Do me a favor will you? Can you please send the folks over at Gatorade a letter for me? I know it's a sports drink, but do you have to be an arm wrestling champion to get the cap off?

    Thirsty in California

  2. Oh this is the best! Agreed! Agreed! Sometimes I think it is Big Brother watching over what I blog about! What the heck? Why and how do they send this junk?

  3. Great letter! I wish it would do good if you sent it.

  4. Wait, so are you telling me I really DIDN'T win $250,000 and a free cruise the other day? Are you sure? Because they said my name was randomly picked . . . :)

    Good luck on the road trip!

  5. Amen - Amen - Amen.
    If I get ONE MORE email about "Dear Madam please contact now" I will kill someone! Ha!

  6. HAHAHA, so true! Can we make this a group letter, and we'll all sign? I'm in!

  7. Glad to know I'm not the only one getting mail about enlarging my penis! LOL Love your blog!


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