Dear Renter

Dear Renter of the Year Award Recipient,

Thank you for moving out of our home a week ago and not even having the decency to call us. Thank you for abandoning your lease in which you still have nine months left to pay on...remember that legally binding agreement that we signed in which I offered you an adorable home to live in with your two and soon to be three children for the next year???

It was so great to hear from our neighbor and good friend on Saturday. We hadn't gotten to actually speak with him or his wife since they welcomed a new arrival to the world a few weeks ago. We so love them and were hoping that life was finally settling down for them and they were able to chat and tell us all the details and how the big brother was doing, but no, he was calling to regale us in your move out efforts and get the real scoop on why we "booted our tenants." Let's just say that both of us were more than a little SURPRISED to find out that we DID KNOW you left. That's right, you just left and couldn't even call us to tell us that you are not a nice or responsible person.

When I did get to talk to you on Saturday, you did not even apologize once, but acted like this was a normal occurrence...you don't have money so you just move out and forget about the lease agreement. You also told me the house was SPOTLESS because you got on your hands and knees to scrub the floors and everything was in pristine shape. You also told me that the utilities were still left on and that you certainly hoped that we could find another renter.

Well, dear renter, when Mr. Molly Lou arrived at the home this morning, the house wasn't exactly in that pristine shape that you mentioned and the light fixture hanging from the ceiling was only the tip of the iceberg. Oh, did you think that I wouldn't find out that the electricity was in fact not on? I even called the electric and gas company and as I am the owner of the home, I was informed that you asked for the services to be cut off last Thursday. Right...you are a tricky one and perhaps you thought that my hair was as blonde as yours. (While we are at it, no one thinks that is your natural hair color and perhaps the 2 inches of dark roots at the top give it away.)

Perhaps in your haste to move out, you forgot some very important "friends" that belong to you. The 32535322 fleas that you left were jumping up and down excited to see Mr. Molly Lou since they had been abandoned. I can't be sure, but I don't think they enjoyed the bomb that Mr. Molly Lou set off to let the little buggers drift away to Flea Heaven.

Dear Renter I think that you need some help. I am no professional, but may I offer you some life advice? Perhaps the two children that you currently have and the one that you are carrying with the boyfriend that you just broke up with would like to have a stable home and know that their mother is a responsible and good person. The job that you just got laid off from was as a teacher at a private, religious school...perhaps getting pregnant with your "baby daddy" wasn't on the top of their list of fave things you have done and the constant calling in sick from said pregnancy probably is what lost you the Teacher of the Year Award.

Trust me, there are continuous EXTREMELY not nice thoughts that continue to run through my head about you. If I wasn't a good Southern girl, I would call you some of those not so nice words that are in my thoughts right now.

Kind Regards,

Your Landlord

PS-Your rent check for this month bounced...THANKS AGAIN! Please tell any future landlord or mortgage broker to give me a call...I would love to chat about what a glorious person you are! I certainly hope your children don't follow in your footsteps, but instead learn from your example and do the opposite.